


You Find A Heart and Catch Your Breath

by Olsies



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Billy Hargrove-centric, Coming Out, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post S3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26717764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olsies/pseuds/Olsies
Summary: When Will comes out, he's met with love and support, and Billy's not sure how to react. He's known he was gay since he was a little kid, and with Neil out of the picture, there's nothing to stop him. Nothing except himself.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Billy Hargrove & Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Joyce Byers & Billy Hargrove, Robin Buckley & Billy Hargrove, Will Byers & Billy Hargrove
Comments: 20
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Soft Universe by Aurora. It's such a good, soft song.
> 
> ***
> 
> I think it's important to say that I know often there is a lot of pressure for people to come out, but coming out is a big deal. Even in a supportive environment, coming out can be a stressful process.
> 
> People should only come out when they feel ready, when it's safe to do so. Existing in the closet in a homophobic world is just as brave as 'living out' in a homophobic world.
> 
> ***
> 
> As always, feel free to come talk to me on [tumblr](https://nblesbianbenhanscom.tumblr.com/)!

The rain is just starting to fall as Billy opens the car door. He’s just dropped off his kid sister and her friends at the Byers so they can play D&D. It’s the last day of school for the year and Will’s planned out a large campaign that’s going to take literal _hours_. Billy’s not sure what he’s going to do with the rest of his day, but as he starts to get in his car, little Will comes running up to him. Well. Will’s sixteen now, all tall and gangly. He’s still pretty skinny, but since he has a few inches on Billy, he can’t exactly call him _little_ any more. He trips over to the car, smiling widely.

“Hey, I wanted to talk to you before you took off. Do you have a few minutes?” Will looks at him with his puppy dog eyes, and Billy doesn’t think it’s fair that the boy can still be good at that _and_ be taller than Billy.

“Yeah, sure kid. What’s up?”

Licking his lips, Will leans from one foot to the other.

“You ok?” Billy asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Will says smiling widely. “I just- I wanted to tell you, before you heard it from anyone else, I’m- I’m gay.

Silently, Billy stares at him long enough for Will’s smile to waiver.

“Um, cool,” Billy says eventually. He has no idea why Will is telling him this. Will’s smile brightens a little.

“Yeah, well, I was wondering, if you’re not busy on Saturday, would you want to come to my house for a party?” Will asks. He’s nervous, and Billy is confused. He doesn’t know why Will is doing this. They aren’t close, they’re barely friends.

“A party?” Billy asks.

“Yeah, my mom is throwing a coming out party for me.”

Blinking, Billy says, “And you want me there.” Will nods. “Why?”

Shrugging, Will says, “Because you’re my friend.”

“I am?”

Licking his lips, Will smiles softly. “Yeah, Billy. You are. We’ve got that _shared trauma_ thing going for us.”

Heart racing, Billy forces out a little laugh. He knows Will doesn’t know he likes guys, no one does. Will’s of course talking about the mindflayer, but still it’s a little too close for his comfort.

“Yeah, ok kid. I’ll be there. What time?”

“Seven,” Will says. Billy nods and starts to get in the car. “Oh, and Billy?”

Jerking a little, Billy stands back up. “Yeah?”

“Can you bring cups?” Will smiles so brightly. Billy wishes he could feel _anything_ but panic.

“Yeah, of course.”

Will comes over and hugs Billy tightly before rushing back to his house. Taking a deep breath, Billy gets in his car and drives off. He doesn’t pay attention to where he’s going but he is not at all surprised when he ends up in the woods where he usually goes to smoke and drink. He has no alcohol, but he has a new pack of cigarettes.

Hands shaking a little, he lights a cigarette.

“You’re ok, you’re ok,” Billy tells himself. He takes a drag of his cigarette.

Billy has known he liked boys since he was four years old when Timmy Hansen kissed him under the slide at preschool. It had been the best moment of his young life, quickly followed by the worst. His dad didn’t want a _fag_ for a son. Billy didn’t understand what he’d done wrong. It was all Timmy’s fault. He’s the one who kissed Billy, but his dad didn’t care. He still beat the shit out of him, and Billy had trouble sitting for a week.

The Halloween he turned seven, he went with his parents and some friends to a theme park. They had a haunted maze that Billy had insisted he was big enough to go through. His mom had some reservations, but eventually let him go.

As soon as Billy and his then best friend, Jason, got a few feet in, Billy knew he’d made a mistake.

The maze was dark. Billy didn’t like the dark. The maze was loud. Billy didn’t like the noise. And there were monsters. Billy didn’t like monsters.

He’d tried to turn around, but more people were coming towards them. Jason took his hand and squeezed it tightly. Billy wished he could be more like Jason. The other boy wasn’t scared of anything. By the time they got out of the maze, Billy had wet his pants and was sobbing.

When their parents found them, Jason and Billy were sitting on a bench, Jason’s arm around his friend’s shoulders, consoling him. Jason’s parents thought it was sweet how their son was comforting Billy. When Billy saw his dad, he knew he was in Trouble.

“Come on, kiddo,” Neil said in what seemed like a soothing voice, but it was one that turned Billy into jelly. If he hadn’t already pissed himself, he would have again. Neil picked him up, and Billy began to shake. He waved goodbye to Jason over his dad’s shoulder.

The next day at school, Billy ignored Jason. The other boy was hurt, and didn’t understand what he’d done wrong. He kept trying to get Billy to talk until Billy threatened to beat him up after school. Jason left him alone after that.

The next few years were lonely. Sure, Billy had friends, but they were play-football-during-recess friends, not friends like Jason had been. The worst part was Jason was still there. He had his own group of friends, all of them little nerds. Billy couldn’t help but hate them. They got to hang out with Jason, and they all slept at each other's houses, and their moms packed them sack lunches while Billy had to eat hot lunch and it was _always_ gross.

By the time Max and Susan came along, Billy had new friends. Friends he drank and got high with, friends he stayed out late and vandalized shit with, friends he drove too fast with. Home life sucked, but Billy was rarely home.

It all fell apart one day when a friend of Billy’s named Brandon was over. It was late at night, and they were in Billy’s room talking quickly. Billy was totally caught off guard when Brandon leaned over and kissed him. Almost as soon as their lips brushed together, he’d pushed Brandon away and kicked him out. Heart racing, Billy took off for the beach where he drank until he passed out.

The next morning he woke up in the back of his car with a throbbing headache. He got up, lit a cigarette, and smoked it before heading home. It was Tuesday, so no one should have been home, and at first he thought he was alone, but his dad was waiting in the kitchen.

They argued for a long time. Apparently, Max had seen Brandon kiss Billy, and then both of them leaving. She’d told Neil and Susan everything when they asked where he was when they couldn’t find him at breakfast. Neil didn’t care that Billy had pushed off his friend, that he didn’t want to be kissed, that he wasn’t a _fag_. Neil still beat the shit out of him again.

When Max got home that afternoon and saw Billy, she asked him what happened. Smiling a little maniacally, he grabbed her upper arm and told her. Up to that point, he and his dad had been careful to keep her from knowing what Neil was like, but that day he didn’t care.

A few weeks later, they moved to Hawkins.

At first, Billy had hoped things would be ok, but as soon as Billy had met Steve Harrington, he knew nothing was going to be ok ever again. The moment Billy laid eyes on Steve, he fell and he fell hard. Yeah, there were girls, lots of girls, but none of them meant anything.

_Nothing_ really meant anything.

After the fight with Steve at the Byers’s house, Billy’s life had fallen into a fairly comfortable, if boring, pattern. He gave Max her space, and she his.

Until the mindflayer.

So much changed after that. When it became clear he _was_ going to survive, Susan and Neil had gotten in a huge fight. Billy needed to go somewhere, but Neil didn’t want to let him come home. With Hop’s help, Susan kicked Neil out and for the first time in his life, Billy wasn’t _terrified_ to go home. Max and Susan took good care of him, but the rest of the kids, Steve, Robin, Nancy, and Jonathan all really surprised him. They took turns sitting with him. At first he ignored them, too tired and in too much pain to care. But as time went on, it became clear they weren’t going anywhere. Even Joyce, Bob, and Hopper stopped by often. They talked more to Susan, but he knew they were really there checking up on him.

When he was finally able to get out of bed and go do things, he’d gotten so used to Robin and Steve being around that he started seeking them out. They welcomed him with open arms even on the bad days.

The more time went on, the more Billy learned to like them. Yeah, they still annoyed him, but they weren’t _that_ bad. None of his ‘friends’ from the pool came to visit, but Billy didn’t even miss them. When the fall came, Nancy and Jonathan went off to school, but Robin and Steve came over with movies and popcorn and just sort of invaded his space all the time and dragged him to their shared apartment. Robin’s parents kicked her out when she came out, and Steve’s kicked him out when they found out he wasn’t going to college.

All of this leads him to where Billy finds himself tonight. After dropping off the kids, he’s supposed to meet Robin and Steve at their place, but Billy’s not sure he can do that anymore.

Will is out and people still love him.

With Neil gone, there is no reason for Billy to not come out. Things were going to be ok.

And even though Neil isn’t in the picture, all Billy can think about are the times Neil had beaten him for _having fag like tendencies_ growing up.

Steve wonders what Susan would think, but shakes his head, because it doesn’t matter. This isn’t something he’s ever going to say out loud.

And that’s ok. There’s no reason to come out. There’s no one to come out _for_. That’s why people came out, right? So they could tell the world they were dating and who they wanted to date, right?

Sighing, Billy reaches for another cigarette and is shocked to find an empty box. The pack was supposed to get him through the next three days until he got his paycheck. Tossing the box aside, Billy starts up his car and drives back into town. The rain is really starting to come down when he pulls into his driveway. Even though he knows he shouldn’t be, he’s a little surprised to see Steve’s Beemer in front of his house.

Blowing off plans always freaked Steve out, so if he didn’t hear from Billy, he’d come looking for him. Billy doesn’t understand why Steve cares so much. Billy can be so cruel sometimes.

The front door opens and Steve comes out as Billy closes the car door.

“Where were you?” Steve demands, and Billy clenches his jaw.

“Out,” he says. “Sorry I didn’t call.” He pushes past Steve and goes into his house. He’s not surprised to see Robin talking to Susan. Billy waves at the women and goes straight to his room, Steve hot on his tail. Billy tries to close the door on Steve, but Steve doesn’t let him, just pushes his way in and Billy sighs.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Steve asks.

Shaking his head, no, Billy says, “I went for a drive and lost track of time.”

“We were going to watch-”

“I know, Steve,” Billy says. He’s tired and does not want Steve in his room, especially not when he’s so fucking spaced out. “It was just a long day and I needed some space.”

“You could have called.”

Sighing, Billy nods. He doesn’t know how to tell him he didn’t mean to be so late, so he just tosses his bag on his bed and turns to face Steve.

Clearing his throat he asks, “You got any cigarettes?”

“Yeah.” They leave the room and Robin looks up at them.

“We leaving?” She asks. Steve glances over his shoulder, and Billy nods once. “Bye, Susan.” Robin follows them out to Steve’s car. Robin sits in the back and stares out the window as Steve drives them to his apartment. He and Billy pass the cigarette back and forth. Billy’s not sure why or how they started sharing cigarettes, or even why they keep it up, but Robin doesn’t say anything, so Billy assumes it’s all fine.

When they get to the apartment, Robin goes to the phone to order pizza while Steve goes to get something from his room, and Billy flops on the couch. He’s tired and is pretty sure he’s not going to make it far into the movie. He’s a little surprised when Steve comes out with some pillows and blankets.

“Get up,” he says to Billy.

“Why?” Bill doesn’t move, and Steve sighs.

“Just get up,” Steve says. “We’re going to watch a scary movie, so we gotta make a blanket fort.”

Licking his lips, Billy smirks and says, “You can kill the flayed and demodogs, but a movie scares you?”

“Dude! It’s zombies!” Steve says.

“And?”

“And just get up!”

Rolling his eyes, Billy stands up and sits on the arm of the couch. Smiling softly, he watches Steve work, getting everything just so. In the kitchen, Robin is making popcorn and pouring them drinks.

When Steve’s done, he sits in the middle and pats the space next to him indicating Billy should sit there. Reluctantly, Billy sits down. He wants to ask Steve why they are watching yet another zombie film when he knows he doesn’t like them, but says nothing. Robin bounces in a few minutes later and sits on the other side of Steve.

Steve and Robin bicker back and forth while they wait for the pizza to arrive. Billy just sits there eating popcorn. He wishes he had another cigarette but can’t quite bring himself to ask for one. Billy ends up being the one to get up and get the pizza, although Robin hands him some money as he goes to the door.

After they’ve gotten settled, Billy starts the movie. It isn’t long before Steve is groaning. Billy doesn’t feel the least bit sorry for him. When they finish the pizza, Steve tries to hide behind Robin’s shoulder, but she just pushes him off.

“Leave me alone, you needy bastard!” She growls. “Go curl up to Billy.”

Huffing, Steve looks over at Billy who just shakes his head once, no. Sighing, Steve covers his face with his hands. He only lasts three minutes before he’s trying to push into Billy’s shoulder. Sighing, Billy gives into the inevitable, and lets Steve grip his arm and shove his face into Billy’s shoulder despite his discomfort.

Everything is almost too much. There is absolutely no reason to not wrap an arm around Steve’s shoulders and pull him close. Robin (probably) wouldn’t care, and based off the way Steve is pushing into his space, he would probably welcome it.

But Billy just sits there picking at the blanket in front of him. He knows it won’t mean the same to Steve.

When the movie ends, Steve gets up and tugs at Billy’s sleeve.

“C’mon. I want to smoke,” Steve says. Billy gets up and looks over at Robin who is asleep on her back, snoring and drooling a little.

“See, it wasn’t even that scary,” Billy teases.

Fake laughing, Steve flips him the bird. “This is her favorite movie. She’s seen it, like, twenty times.”

“If she’s seen it twenty times, you must have seen it at least once,” Billy points out as they leave the apartment. Robin hates it when they smoke inside, so they always head to one of the cars. They lean up against Steve’s Beemer and Billy watches Steve light a cigarette. He hands it to Billy.

“I just can’t stand that part in the beginning,” Steve explains. “‘They’re coming to get you, Barbara,’ and then-” He swipes his finger across his neck. Billy snorts.

“That’s worse than the flayed?”

“I mean, I know zombies aren’t real, but what if they were? How would we even fight them?” Steve asks. He takes the cigarette and takes a puff.

“What if the movies mean some people know zombies are real?” Billy takes the cigarette back, and Steve looks around.

“Why are you like this?” Steve asks.

“Would you really want me any other way?” Billy asks, and Steve smiles, but doesn’t say anything. A car backfires making Steve yelp and jump. Smirking, Billy throws an arm around Steve’s shoulders. “Don’t worry, pretty boy. I’ll protect you from the zombies.” He hands over the cigarette and Steve looks up at him.

He starts to say something, but a car pulls into the parking lot, and Billy’s arm tightens around Steve’s shoulders on instinct. They watch as a family piles out of a car and head into the apartment complex. Billy sighs.

“I’m tired. What time is it? D&D over yet?” Billy asks. He knows Steve won’t take him home till he picks up the kids. Steve grabs Billy’s wrist with the watch on it and shoves it into Billy’s face.

“I don’t know, Billy. What time is it?” Steve teases. Billy pinches his side, and Steve shrieks, giggling loudly. He pulls free and drops the cigarette butt. “Aren’t all the kids sleeping over at the Byers? Isn’t that the point of them being _at_ the Byers? Because Joyce and Bob can keep a better eye on them than the Wheelers?”

“Oh, right,” Billy says. He doesn’t really remember this, but he’s sure Steve’s right. “So that means you’ll take me home?”

Snorting, Steve shakes his head, no. “We’re going to watch _Return of the Living Dead_.”

“Why? You don’t like zombies.” Billy seriously _does not_ get this kid.

“Why not?” Steve asks as he starts towards the apartment building. “You said you’d protect me, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but-”

“No ‘buts,’ c’mon!”

They walk up to the apartment and Billy glances at Robin. She’s set up the next movie and they get back into position. This time they all lay on their stomachs and look up at the TV.

The movie is just as bad as Billy had worried it would be, and when it’s over, Steve is glued to Billy’s side, face shoved into the back of Billy’s arm. Robin gets up and rewinds the movie.

Eventually Steve gets up and goes to the bathroom.

“Why do you do this to him?” Billy asks when they are alone.

“Do what?” Robin asks.

“Torture him like this? With the zombie movies?”

“You don’t like him all cuddled up beside you?” She asks, and Billy flinches. Robin misses it because the tape popped out of the VCR and she instinctively turns towards it so she can put the movie away. He knows she’s just teasing, and there is no real way for her to know the truth, but still.

Sighing, Billy gets up and stretches. He goes to the fridge and grabs a soda. When he heads back to the front room, Steve and Robin are arguing about what to watch next.

“So, I’ve officially been kidnapped, haven’t I?” Billy asks.

“Well, duh, B,” Steve says, and Billy just shakes his head. “Which one do you want to watch?” He holds up a copy of _The Goonies_ and a copy of _The Terminator_.

“ _Goonies,_ ” Billy says. He sets his drink on a side table. “I’m gonna go change.” Steve and Robin begin arguing about whether or not _The Goonies_ was actually a good movie or not, but Billy didn’t care. It is one of his favorites, and he’s stuck there, so that’s what they are going to watch.

Billy lets himself into Steve’s room, which is fairly clean for once. He tugs off his shirt and opens a drawer. He pulls out a clean T-shirt and some sweats. He leaves his clothes in a pile at the foot of Steve’s bed knowing most likely the three of them would be sleeping in the front room. He’s just pulling on his pants when Steve comes in, still yelling down the hall.

“That’s the point of the movie, Robin! You just have no taste!” Steve yells and looks at Billy. “Can you believe her?” He tugs off his shirt and tosses it at the basket, but misses. Billy leans down, picks it up, and tosses it in the laundry bin.

“Hey, B?” Steve asks as he tugs out of his jeans. Billy pointedly stares at the floor.

“Yeah, Steve?”

“You ok?” Steve asks. He tosses over his jeans and they mostly make it in, so Billy leaves them alone.

“I’m fine,” Billy says. He looks up and almost has a heart attack. Steve is standing here in some sweats and a crop top like he’s God damn Johnny fucking Depp. It was going to be a hell of a long night.

“You sure? You look-”

“I said I was fine, Steve, leave me alone!” Billy pushes past him and goes back to the front room to find Robin a loose T-shirt and boxers. She frowns at him.

“You ok, Billy?” She asks, and Billy huffs.

“I’m fine!” He says louder than he means to. Steve comes out of his room.

“Alright, alright, Billy, no need to shout.” Steve smiles but doesn’t laugh. He holds up his pack of smokes. Billy nods and they both get their shoes. They walk back to Steve’s Beemer and smoke. Steve talks the whole time, but Billy barely hears him. All he can see is Steve’s stomach.

Eventually they walk back up to the apartment and lay down. It isn’t long before Billy passes out. He wakes up the next morning curled around Steve’s body. At first it’s fine. This isn’t the first time they spooned, wouldn’t be the last. As Billy wakes up more, he realizes Robin is watching them curiously. Billy flips her off and she just shrugs.

As she gets up and goes to the kitchen, Billy adjusts his grip around Steve, and Steve clutches at his arms, his shirt riding high. Billy unsuccessfully tries to ignore this but is saved moments later when Robin drops a large pan in the kitchen.

Before Billy can stop him, Steve is up and grabbing his bat with the nails. Robin shrieks as he comes in the kitchen, and there is another loud clatter. Billy gets up and goes to the kitchen. Robin is doubled over laughing while Steve looks confused at what used to be their coffee maker.

“Wha-” Steve says.

“I dropped a pan-”

“And you killed the coffee,” Billy finishes. Blinking, Steve pulls the bat out of the counter.

“Well there went my half of the security deposit,” Steve says. Robin pulls him into a hug, kissing his cheek.

“Oh, dingus, it was totally worth it!” Robin keeps laughing but Billy sighs.

“Steve, give me your keys,” Billy says and goes to find his shoes.

“Why?” Steve asks as he grabs them from the counter and tosses them at Billy who is bent over tugging on his shoes. They bounce off of him, and Steve looks at him a little sheepishly.

“You want coffee don’t you?” Billy picks up the keys.”

“Oh, yeah. I'll go with you. I want to smoke anyways,” Steve says. “Let me use the bathroom.” Robin looks at Billy from the kitchen.

“You know he only smokes when you’re around, don’t you?” She asks, and Billy scowls at her.

“So?”

Robin makes a face and shrugs. “Just an interesting fact.”

“Yeah, well, maybe keep that interesting fact to yourself,” Billy says. Robin’s eyes light up, but Steve’s back, talking loudly over whatever Robin might have said.


	2. Chapter 2

A few days later, Steve and Billy are at the pool changing into their swimsuits. Somehow Billy had convinced the pool to give him his old job back and let Steve pick up a few shifts. Billy knows they are just there because they are chick magnets, although Billy’s not sure what anyone would say when they see the scars.

Not that Billy really cares; he almost likes them. They remind him that he’s not a _complete_ asshole and can _sometimes_ do good things. Sometimes.

Still, he hesitates and stares at the tank top in his hands.

Steve sees him and comes closer.

“No ones going to judge you if you wear it,” Steve whispers and Billy almost smiles but just ducks his head. Steve, Robin, Max, and Susan are the only people to have seen him shirtless since the last of the scabs fell off. Steve knows how bad it looks.

“Wearing it makes me feel like a fucking pussy,” Billy admits. He’s still wearing the T-shirt he’d come in.

“Hey!” Steve growls low, pushing into Billy’s space. “You are _not_ a _fucking_ pussy! You fucking saved us. All of us! You almost died doing it! You’re allowed to-” He stops. “Look, I know you’re used to looking a certain way, but you still look good. Better even.”

Billy opens his mouth to say something, but some other people come in. Clearing their throats, Billy and Steve step away from each other and Billy stares at his locker.

“I’ll see you out there, B.” Steve leaves. A few seconds later, Billy puts the tank top away and tugs off his shirt.

“What the fuck am I doing?” He mutters to himself.

_Steve’s straight,_ Billy tells himself. _Steve’s straight and even if he wasn’t you’re too much a pussy to do anything about it._

He blushes as he thinks about what Steve had looked like when he told Billy he was not a pussy. Shaking his head, he puts on his sunglasses and whistle.

Taking a deep breath, he walks out of the locker room and looks out at the pool. It’s early, but the lineup of moms are already in place. Shaking his head, Billy walks past them, and they welcome him back. Smiling, Billy nods at them, but does not stop to talk. He can feel curious eyes on him, and one kid loudly asks their mom what’s wrong with him. Billy doesn’t stop and to listen for the answer.

After climbing up on the lifeguard chair, he looks around and finds Steve talking to Heather. Billy sighs and settles back. It’s going to be a long day.

When he finally comes down, one of the bolder moms says, “Have a good break, Billy.” He just nods at her as he walks past. It’s hard to not see Karen Wheeler, and Billy can’t help but wonder what would happen if anyone found out what _almost_ happened. Karen had pretty much avoided him, although she occasionally sent over a casserole with Mike.

Billy pushes aside these thoughts as he enters the break room. Steve is there with Heather, and they are leaning close together, giggling about _something_. Steve smiles wider when he sees Billy.

“Hey! B! How’s your day going?” Steve asks. Billy shrugs and gets some water before sitting on a chair.

“How’s your first day going?” Billy would be lying if he said he didn’t know. He’d watched at least six women flirt with him, and Billy hated it. And he hates that he hated it.

“Great!” Steve says. “This is so much better than the Family Video, but don’t tell Keith I said that.” He looks a little panicked. “He might fire me.”

“Keith’s not going to fire you,” Billy says. He takes a drink of his water. They talk for a few more minutes and then Heather and Steve leave because their break is over. Billy sighs and rubs his face. He eats a bag of chips before heading back out.

When the pool finally closes for the evening, Billy and Steve are the last two to leave. They lean on Billy’s car sharing a cigarette. Steve’s talking about something he saw on TV, and Billy just watches his mouth, watches as Steve takes a puff on the cigarette, watches his tongue poke out a little.

“So what do you think?” Steve asks.

“Hmm? About what?” Billy asks. He’s relaxed and tired from being out in the sun all day.

“Oh my God,” Steve laughs. Billy takes the cigarette and takes a puff. “Do you _ever_ listen to me?”

Billy laughs and keeps watching Steve’s mouth. “Sometimes. I like watching you talk.” He takes another puff and passes over the cigarette.

“Do you think Heather would be good for Robin?” Steve asks.

“How should I know?” Billy asks, scowling. Steve opens his mouth to say something and then closes it. He shrugs.

“Yeah, nevermind. Stupid question,” Steve says. He hands the cigarette back. “I just want Robin to be happy. She’s been having issues, small town and all that.”

“Is Heather even into girls?” Billy asks.

“Yeah, she admitted it at a party a few weeks ago,” Steve says. “Plus she’s really pretty.”

Billy shrugs. “She’s alright.”

“Alright? She’s so hot!”

“Eh,” Billy says. “She’s not really my type.”

“Not really your type?” Steve asks. “Well then who is your type?”

“We’re not talking about my type, we’re talking about Heather’s type,” Billy says.

Steve studies him for a moment. “Who is your type? You haven’t dated anyone since Starcourt.”

Billy clears his throat and blushes. “The two are not related.”

“Oh, good!” Steve says. “So, then. Why haven’t you dated anyone?” Billy shrugs and puts out the cigarette. He needs to back out of this conversation, but he has no idea how to do that.

“I don’t know,” Billy says. “We should go.”

“C’mon, Billy,” Steve says. “There are so many hot women who would _kill_ to be with you.” Billy makes a noncommittal noise.

“None of them really interest me,” Billy says.

“Why not? Do you like someone?” Billy bristles. “You do! You like someone! Who? What’s her name?”

“We’re done talking about this,” Billy says. He digs his keys out of his pocket, but Steve’s leaning up against the driver door.

“Billy! Who is she? Do I know her?” Billy crosses his arms over his chest. “Tell me.”

“No.”

“Tell me.”

“No. Now move.”

“I’ll move when you tell me.” Steve smirks and Billy has the urge to punch him.

“Oh my _fucking_ God, Steve! Fucking move! I’m fucking tired and just want to fucking go home!” Billy growls.

“Then just tell me.”

“Jesus Christ, Steve. “ He pauses. “You want to know?”

“Yeah.”

“You _really_ wanna know?”

“Yeah!”

Pushing into Steve's space, Billy grabs Steve’s face and kisses him. Steve tenses for a moment and then pulls Billy closer kissing him back. Billy groans as he licks his way into Steve’s mouth. He can’t believe he’s _actually kissing Steve Harrington._

A car backfires on the road, and Billy jumps, breaking the kiss. They just stare at each other for a moment, and then Billy’s brain catches up. He grips Steve’s shirt tightly. He pushes him back up against his car and Steve looks at him, confused.

“If you _ever_ tell anyone about this, I will _fucking_ end you,” Billy says.

“Billy-” Steve’s hands come up to grip Billy’s wrists.

“No, shut up. This. _Did not. Fucking. Happen_!” Steve nods. “Say it, Harrington.”

“This- This didn’t happen,” Steve says. There is a fear in Steve's eyes Billy hasn't seen in years. Stomach churning, Billy pushes him aside, gets in his car, and takes off blasting his music loudly.

He drives.

He drives for a long time, stopping only for gas. When he gets home, Steve’s car is in the driveway. Logically he knows Steve is there because of Max, but Jesus fuck, could he maybe have left and come back? When he walks in, Max and her friends are sitting in the living room. Will smiles up at him, and Billy grimaces.

“You ok, Billy?” Will asks, and Billy ignores him, heading to his room to find Steve sitting on his bed, touching his lip in that cute way that he does when he’s thinking.

“Billy, I really think-” Steve starts and stops when Billy comes in and slams the door closed behind him. Jumping to his feet, Steve holds up his hands to try and show he’s not a threat. Still, Billy pushes into Steve’s space but doesn’t touch him.

“Steve. I need you to fucking hear me, ok?” Steve nods. “We have _nothing_ to talk about because…”

“Nothing happened,” Steve finishes.

“Good.” BIlly opens the door. “Now. Get the fuck out of my room.” When Steve doesn’t move fast enough, Billy shoves Steve into the hall and he hits the wall with a hard _thud_. Billy slams his door and takes a deep breath. He can hear the kids talking to Steve, and Billy bristles. He tugs out of his clothes and pulls on some jeans and a clean T-shirt. He opens his door and as he walks back to his car. He tries to not see Steve looking so hurt and staring at his feet. Billy pushes back his guilt and gets in his car.

He doesn’t even think about it, just drives straight to the Byers. When he gets there, he just sits there for a long time. Eventually, Joyce comes out and knocks on his window. He rolls it down and looks up at the tiny woman.

“Hey, Billy. What-”

“I kissed Steve.” He doesn’t mean to say it, but he’s said it. He stares at the house, not daring to look up at Joyce.

“Oh,” she says finally. “You want to come in? I can send Bob out on an errand if that makes you more comfortable.”

“I-” Billy shakes his head.

“Come on, sweetie. Let’s go talk.” Joyce opens the door and Billy doesn’t move right away. Eventually he gets out, and they go into the house. Joyce sits him at the kitchen table with a glass of water before sending Bob out for a few things.

When they are alone, Joyce sits down and lights a cigarette. Billy takes one without asking, and tries to not think about the last cigarette he’d had. Tries to not think about Robin telling him that Steve _only_ smoked with him.

Billy opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

“So you kissed Steve,” Joyce says. Blushing, Billy stares at the kitchen table and nods. “Did he react badly?” Billy shrugs. “Wanna tell me what happened?”

Billy takes another puff of his cigarette. “We’d just gotten off our shift, and I was tired. We were smoking by my car and Steve was talking, but I couldn’t focus. Somehow he started asking me why I hadn’t dated anyone in a while and who my type was and if I liked anyone and then…” He can’t make himself say it again.

“And then you kissed him,” Joyce finishes. Billy nods. “Well, what did he do?”

“He kissed me back.”

“He did? That’s wonderful!”

Shrugging, Billy takes another puff of cigarette. “I- I’m not- I can’t-” He licks his lips. “Nothing can happen.”

“Why not?”

“My dad.”

They fall silent for a bit.

“I don’t know what that man did to you,” Joyce says eventually. “I heard- I’ve heard things from the kids and Steve, and Susan mentioned some stuff, and I’m just really sorry you had to go through that.”

Shrugging, Billy says, “It’s fine.”

“It’s not.” Joyce lights another cigarette. She’s angry and Billy’s not sure why. “What happened to you is _not_ fine.”

“We’re not talking about that.”

“Billy.”

“This was a mistake, I’m gonna go.” He starts to get up but Joyce grabs his wrist. He looks down at her hand and takes a deep breath. They both look up as a car pulls up in the driveway. 

“Don’t go just yet. Please?”

“Give me another cigarette.”

Joyce passes him the pack and gets up to help Bob. When she comes back in the kitchen, Bob is sitting on the couch watching TV. Joyce sits down and helps herself to another cigarette.

“I’ve known Will was gay since he was a little, little kid,” she says. “So did Lonnie. That’s Will and Jonthan’s dad. And I honestly didn’t care if Will was gay. He was so sweet and creative and loving, there was no way I could be upset about that. But Lonnie.” She shakes her head. “He used to call Will a little,” she lowers her voice and whispers, “ _fag_.” Billy bristles. “I know it hurt the boys when Lonnie eventually left, but I couldn’t help but feel a little relieved. Yeah, things were hard for a long time, but I was so happy to get the boys away from that.” She took another puff. “And then it was a waiting game. When he told me a few weeks ago, I can’t remember ever being more proud of him.”

“Joyce.”

“Hear me out. So, while I was waiting, I started trying to find resources. A few towns over, I found a group called PFLAG. It’s a group for parents and friends of lesbians and gay people. I started going when I could. They helped a lot.”

“I’m not-”

“I know. I’m not suggesting anything beyond they have youth groups, and I know you’re not a kid, but there’s some younger adults there.”

“Joyce.”

“Just think about it,” she says. “I have no idea what you’re going through, but someone there might.”

Billy swallows.

“Will goes every few weeks for a youth meetup, maybe you could take him some time. Just go see what it’s like out of Hawkins,” Joyce says.

“I’m from California.”

“Still.” They fall silent again, and just sit there smoking until a car pulls up. A few minutes later Will comes in and stops short when he sees Billy.

“Hey, is everything ok?” Will asks.

“Everything’s fine kid,” Billy says. He gets up and looks at Joyce. “Thank you.”

“Any time, Billy. My door is always open.”

Nodding, Billy squeezes Will’s shoulder as he leaves. He drives home and Max is in the kitchen helping herself to some ice cream. When he comes in she pulls out another bowl and gives him the first as she hugs him with one arm.

“What’s this for, shitbird?” He asks.

Max shrugs as she scoops more ice cream in her bowl. He sits at the table and realizes he hasn’t really eaten a real meal since breakfast.

“Did you and Steve get in a fight?” She asks as she puts the ice cream away. Billy scowls at the bowl.

“What makes you think that?’

“You shoved him into a wall,” Max says. “You haven’t done that since Starcourt.” Billy sighs.

“Did he say anything?”

Shaking her head, Max says, “No, but it was pretty obvious he was upset.” Billy chews on his lip as Max sits down next to him. “Is there anything I can do?”

Billy shakes his head, no, and they fall silent as they eat their ice cream. When they’re done, Billy washes the bowls and Max goes up to her room to call El. Billy thinks about what Joyce said and didn’t say. He thinks about how she just let him be silent. He wonders what the PFLAG meetings would be like.


	3. Chapter 3

Saturday is a long day. It’s been three days and Billy has barely spoken to Steve. It’s the longest he’s gone without talking to Steve in a _very_ long time, and everything is so off. He can’t stand to be anywhere or with anyone. When his shift is over, he tries to leave quickly, but Steve stops him. They are alone in the locker room, most of the other people having already gone.

“Billy, don’t forget about Will’s party tonight,” Steve says.

Licking his lips, Billy curses under his breath.

“Are you going to be there?” Billy asks, and bristles. Of course Steve is going to be there. Will’s one of his favorites.

“Yeah, but we don’t have to talk. I just want to make sure you come. He’d be really hurt if you didn’t. He likes you.”

“Why?” Billy asks.

“Fuck if I know,” Steve says. Billy’s stomach flops as he watches Steve leave. As soon as he’s alone, Billy slams his locker closed, and punches it for good measure. Pain blooms through his hand and up his arm. He groans and holds his hand to his chest.

“That was fucking stupid,” he says to the empty room.

After getting his stuff together, he drives home, takes a quick shower, and grabs some cups on the way to the Byers. He gets there before anyone else, so Billy immediately sneaks to the backyard where he begins to chainsmoke until Joyce comes out to get him to come in.

Everything is so awkward. Billy would normally be with Robin and Steve, but he can barely look at Steve so he parks himself next to Bob. This turns out to be both a blessing and a mistake. Bob talks to him nonstop about all sorts of nonsense from games to TV shows. Fortunately, he doesn’t expect much in return, and Billy is thankful. It gives him an excuse to mostly ignore the rest of the party.

Joyce has gone all out. There’s rainbow streamers and rainbow cake and rainbow confetti and balloons and it went on. Will is having such a great time with his friends, and Billy wonders what they would say if they found out about him.

_They probably wouldn’t give a fuck,_ a voice says, and Billy sighs.

There is pizza, cake, and jello. Billy knows if Will was older they would be full of vodka, but as it stands, the most ‘fun’ thing about these is the suspended fruit. Billy watches as Robin and Steve snort with laughter at something one of them said, and Billy can’t help but feel a little hurt that Robin hasn’t come to try and get him to join them until he remembers that while he and Robin were friendly, Steve was her best friend and if Billy and Steve weren’t talking, that would probably mean that Billy and Robin wouldn’t be talking.

When everyone is distracted with food, Billy gets up and goes to the backyard. He smokes a few more cigarettes until Will comes out and sits next to him.

“Hey, kid,” Billy says.

“Hey.”

“Why aren’t you in there enjoying your party?”

“I’m worried about you,” Will admits. Billy looks over at him. “Max says you and your friends haven’t hung out all week.”

Billy shakes his head. “Yeah, well, Max has a big mouth. You should go back and hang out with your friends.”

“I am hanging out with my friend.”

Licking his lips, Billy looks over at Will. “You don’t want to be my friend, kid.”

Shrugging, Will says, “You don’t get to decide for me whether or not I like you.”

“But _why_ do you like me? And don’t say- Don’t make this about the mind flayer.”

Will takes a deep breath. “I like you because under it all, I think you’re a nice guy.” Billy scowls. “No, really. I think you’re a good guy. You just- Your dad-”

“No,” Billy says and stands up.

“You gotta let someone in sometime,” Will says and Billy shakes his head.

“Not today, kid. Today’s your day.”

“Then come back inside.”

Hesitating, Billy says, “I think I should go. It’s- It’s not you. It’s-” He looks at the window.

“I know I’m just a kid, but you can tell me what happened.”

“How about this. You let me leave now, and this week we can talk.”

“Ok,” Will says. He gets up and hugs Billy.

Billy is never ready when Will or El hug him. They are both so easy with their touches, and Billy doesn’t get it, but he can’t deny them. He hugs Will tightly before pulling free.

“I’ll call you,” Will says and disappears back into the house. Billy leaves through the side gate.

A few days later, Will shows up at the pool with Jonathan and Nancy in tow. The two must have just gotten back, and they both greet Billy before heading off to talk to Steve. Billy’s a little curious why Will’s alone, but then Will comes over to the lifeguard tower.

He studies Billy’s scars for a moment and then says, “Give me a ride home tonight?” Will asks.

Billy looks over at Jonathan. “What about-”

“You promised,” Will says.

Sighing, Billy nods. “Alright. I’ll give you a ride home.” Waving, Will walks back to the others.

Billy expects the day to go slowly, but it seems like no time has passed when he and Will are headed back to his car. Without asking, Billy drives them to the place he’d gone when Will had come out to him. It feels fitting.

They get out and lean against the car. Billy smokes two cigarettes before he crosses his arms over his chest and takes a deep breath.

Staring down at the gravel, he spits, and glances at Will. “I kissed Steve,” he says so quietly he’s not even sure Will hears him.

“What did he do?” Will asks, and Billy’s not prepared for the anger in the boy’s voice. He looks over at Will, and the kid is tense with anger. Billy _almost_ laughs, but stops at the last minute.

“He didn’t do anything bad, kid,” Billy assures him. “I- I was the one who reacted badly.”

“Oh.” He pauses. “I’m confused.”

Hands a little shaky, Billy lights another cigarette. “My dad knew I was-” He takes a deep inhale of the cigarette, and exhales on the next words. “He knew I liked boys when I was very small. And let me tell you, he did not want to have a gay son. He tried to toughen me up by- He used to-” He didn’t know how much he should or shouldn’t tell Will.

“Your dad beat you,” Will blurts out, and both of them blush.

“Max?”

Will shakes his head, no. “Jonathan.”

“How?” He shakes his head. “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. Yeah, he tried to beat it out of me.”

“I’m sorry,” Will says. They fall silent for a moment. “But why- Your dad’s not-”

“You know how you could feel the mindflayer even after it left your mind?” Billy asks, and Will nods. “It’s kind of like that, but my dad doesn’t have to be anywhere near me for me to hear his bullshit. The fucker could _die_ and I’d still hear him.” Will thinks about this for a few minutes. Billy finishes his cigarette and puts it out under his shoe. 

Clearing his throat, he says, “Your mom told me you were going to some sort of gay group?”

Brightening, Will nods. “Yeah! It’s every other Wednesday. There’s all sorts of people and groups. You should come!”

“Yeah, ok,” Billy says. Ever since Joyce told him about it, Billy hadn’t been able to get the thought of going out of his mind. Other than Robin, Will, and apparently Heather, he’d never met anyone else who was like him, but Robin seemed to have such an easier time with it, he has no idea how to even begin to talk to her. She is so much closer to Steve, it doesn’t seem fair or right to _try_ and talk to her.

“Really?” Will asks brightly.

“Yeah, but only your mom can know,” Billy says quickly.

“Ok, yeah, sure, that’s fine,” Will says. “Wednesday?”

“Ok.” Billy finishes his cigarette. “C’mon kid, I should get you home.”

“Wanna stay for dinner? Mom’s having everyone over because Jonathan got home.”

Sighing, Billy shrugs. “I should get home.”

“You can’t avoid him forever.”

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to see me either.”

“I’m sure he misses you.”

They don’t say anything all the way back to Will’s. When they get there, Billy squeezes his shoulder.

“Tell everyone I said ‘hi,’” Billy says.

“Ok. I'll call about Wednesday.”

“Ok,” Billy says. “Have a good night.”

“You too, Billy.” Will gets out and goes into the house.

Billy drives home. Susan is in the kitchen eating a sandwich.

“Hey, your friend is in your room,” Susan says. Billy’s shoulders tense.

“Steve?”

Susan shakes her head, no. “The other one.”

Billy frowns and goes to his room. Robin is sitting on the foot of his bed, bouncing her knee, and chewing on her nails. She looks up at him.

“Hey,” Billy says.

“I haven’t heard from you for days, and all you have to say is _hey_?”

“What do you want, Robin?” He tosses his bag on the floor and crosses his arms over his chest.

“What happened between you and Steve? What did you do?”

“Why do you think I did something?” She just gives him a look. “Nothing happened.”

“You’re a fucking liar, Billy!” Robin yells. “You both are!” She gets up and gets in his space but is careful not to touch him. “Just tell me what happened!”

“Nothing. Nothing happened.”

“Then why aren’t you at the Byers’?”

“Why aren’t _you_ at the Byers’?” Billy asks.

“Because I came to get you.”

“I’m not going.”

“Why not? You were already there! You gave Will a ride home!”

“Robin, if you care about me, _at all_ , you’ll just shut up and leave.”

“We’re friends, Billy. You can talk to me,” Robin says. Billy takes a deep breath. He wants to shove her out into the hall, wants to tell her to just mind her own fucking business, but he’s so fucking tired.

“Robin,” Billy says.

“Billy.”

Taking another deep breath, Billy says, “Just get out of here.”

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.”

Billy ignores her. He pulls some clean clothes out of his dresser and leaves to take a shower. He’s not sure why he _doesn’t_ just tell her. She would understand (probably) and wouldn’t tell anyone. She might even be able to help him. All Billy knows is that it is too soon. Maybe someday they’d talk, but right now?

Right now Billy just wants to curl up in his bed and sleep even though it’s early.

When he goes back to his room, Robin is still sitting on his bed. He sighs and dumps his clothes in the hamper and sits down on his weight bench and just looks at her.

“Why do you even care?” Billy asks.

“Because Steve has been moping around the apartment all week because his best friend won’t talk to him.”

“I’m not his best friend.”

“Look, I know you’re not Henderson, but yes you are.”

“No. I’m not. You are.”

Robin snorts a little. “Did you know you can have more than one best friend?”

“That doesn’t make sense. Best implies something is better than the rest,” Billy argues.

“Ok, go fucking explain that to Steve, see what he says.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Billy says, “You should just go, Robin.” He wants to punch something, but Robin hasn’t seen that side of him, and he doesn’t want her to. He crosses his arms, and holds them tightly to himself.

“Come with me! I need a ride anyway.”

“I can’t”

“Why not?”

“Because I just can’t. Here, take my car. Just get out of here.” He tosses her the keys to his car and she stares at him.

“Billy,” she says softly. All of the fight has gone out of her voice, and he knows she knows whatever happened between him and Steve is huge. And she’s scared. Even though it’s not his beloved Camaro, it’s still _his_ car and he never lets anyone but him and Steve drive it.

“You’re going to be late.”

“I’ll ask Nancy to follow me back,” she says.

Before she goes, Billy does something he rarely does: he hugs her.

“Soon,” he promises. “I’ll tell you soon.” She curls her fingers into his T-shirt and gives him an extra squeeze before letting go.

“Ok, Billy,” she says. They let go and she leaves.

A little while later, Billy goes to the kitchen, makes himself a couple of sandwiches and retreats to his room where he eats quickly. He puts some music on and then proceeds to stare up at the ceiling thinking about how a week has passed since he kissed Steve.

Just a week.

It feels like a year.

Billy misses his friends.

A while later, someone knocks on the door. For a brief moment he thinks it might be Steve, but as the door opens, and he catches a sight of red hair, he realizes the knock had been too soft.

“Robin says, ‘thanks.’” She tosses the keys and they land on his stomach. He barely moves. “Are you ok, Billy?”

Swallowing hard and still staring at the ceiling, Billy says, “No.”

“He misses you, too,” Max says.

“I know.”

“So go talk to him.”

“It’s not that simple,” Billy says.

Groaning, Max says, “You are both ridiculous. Goodnight, Billy.”

“Goodnight, Max.”

She closes the door softly behind her. Billy flops over onto his front and shoves his face into his pillows biting back sobs. He wishes he’d never kissed Steve. If he’d never kissed Steve, he would probably be hanging out with his friends, full of Joyce and Bob’s food, and not alone in his room crying.

***

Billy gets off work a little early on Wednesday. He drives over to the Byers’ to get Will. The boy is standing out front with his mom while she smokes. She waves at Billy and pulls Will in for a tight brief hug.

“You boys have fun!” She calls as Will gets in the car. Billy waves.

“Hi, Billy,” Will says.

“Hey, kid.” He lights a cigarette. “Ok. Where are we headed?”

“Just go south on the freeway,” Will says. As they pull away, Joyce waves and they wave back.

On the way to the meeting, Will tells Billy about the different people there. Apparently it’s a group for people between the ages of 16 and 24 and Will has a lot of friends his age. He gets more and more excited with each passing mile, while Billy gets more and more anxious. For whatever reason he’d thought this was just a group for kids, the thought that there would be people who were his age there had never crossed his mind.

Will tells him what exit to take and then which streets to take. They end up in front of a nondescript brick building. Nothing about it suggests what's inside save a small rainbow flag on a door. Billy tries to imagine Joyce coming here alone, probably hesitating before she goes in.

Billy follows Will into the building. They walk up some narrow steps and Will walks confidently through a door. People look up and greet him happily. There are about ten or twelve younger people, all of them chatting away happily. Some of them are so young, still in high school like Will. Billy can’t help but wonder if their parents know they are here. Billy sees a few adults hanging out in a corner. Billy hesitates, practically hiding behind Will.

Another teen comes up, hugs Will, and they talk for a few minutes. The kid has a purple mohawk and a few piercings even though they couldn't be more than seventeen. Billy can't help but wonder what their home life is like.

A moment later, someone comes in, and Billy has to scoot away from the door. One of the adults sees Billy and comes over to him. He is a big burly man with broad shoulders and thick arms. He has short hair and a little beard.

Billy wants to bolt, but the exit is blocked by the people that have just walked in. Will looks up and sees the panic in Billy's eyes. Before either of them can react, the man is there.

"Hi, I'm Benny. I'm the coordinator of this little place. Haven't seen you here before," the man says. Billy takes his hand.

"I'm Billy. I'm Will's friend."

Benny smiles down at Will, ruffling his hair a little. "No mom today?"

"She was busy," Will lies easily, and Billy forces a smile. He tries to tell himself that just being here isn’t the same as declaring his sexuality, but it’s hard. He can see the others eyeing him up and down, trying to figure him out. He hates it but also he knows he’s not going to get his ass for being gay or even just being suspected of being gay.

"Fair enough," Benny says. Billy looks around. People are starting to sit down at different tables. There’s a lot of string and beads and other similar crafty type stuff. Billy frowns and looks at Will who refuses to meet his eye.

“Well, Billy, friend of Will, are you hungry? We have pizza and drinks, help yourself. Tonight we’re just going to make friendship bracelets. It’s silly, I know, but it’s also really relaxing and kind of nice to just let go,” Benny says. “We play games a lot, but sometimes they get really competitive.”

“Sometimes?” Will pipes up. “Last time Benny _’accidentally’_ jostled the Monopoly board and all the pieces went flying when he was losing.”

Laughing, Benny gently shoves Will away. “You hush up.”

“You know it’s true,” Will says but tugs on Billy’s sleeve. He’s eyeing the pizza and Billy just laughs. He _knows_ Joyce already fed the boy, but he’s sixteen and completely insatiable. They get plates, and they help themselves to a couple of slices, and then find a seat with that kid that Will had been talking to. Benny keeps looking at them, but Billy ignores him, although he can’t really follow Will and the purple haired kid’s conversation.

When he finishes his food, he gets up and throws away his plate before helping himself to another drink. He hesitates before he goes back to his seat and just looks at the others. They are here being themselves, being so brave, and so many of them are so young. Billy can’t even imagine. He wonders about Jason and Brandon. He hopes that they were doing alright, that they’d found space to be themselves, to be brave.

When he gets back to the table, the others are collecting their trash. Billy sits as Will gets up. While the others are gone, Billy studies the strings and wonders what they are supposed to do. Will sits down next to Billy and starts collecting different colors of string. Billy nibbles on his lip.

“Will, I- uh- I’ve never done this before,” Billy whispers, blushing.

“It’s easy,” Will says. “Just pick four colors and I’ll show you.”

Grabbing four colors at random, Will starts telling him what he’s supposed to do, and they set to work. Once Billy seems to have gotten the gist, Will starts his own and goes back to talking to his friends. Billy loses himself in the soft movements and is a little surprised when Will nudges him some time later.

“Hey, everyone’s starting to leave,” Will murmurs. Billy looks up from his half finished bracelet and is shocked to find the others cleaning up.

“I’m not finished,” Billy whispers.

“It’s ok. You can take it home.”

Grunting, Billy picks up his unfinished project and slips it in his pocket. Stretching, he looks around and sees Benny coming towards him.

“Hey, it was good to meet you. Thanks for bringing Will. I know he really looks forward to these meetings.”

“Yeah, I can see why,” Billy says.

“Maybe we’ll see you again?”

Grunting, Billy shrugs. “Probably.” He doesn’t mean to say it, but Benny’s face lights up and Billy bites back a groan.

“Good. We’ll be glad to have you.”

“Thanks, yeah, sure.” Nodding, Billy catches Will’s eye as he heads to the door. “I’m gonna go smoke. I’ll meet you outside.” He leaves before Will can say anything.

He climbs in his car and lights up a cigarette. He watches as the people come out and separate, all of them smiling small smiles. He can’t help but wonder what they are heading off to, if they would be going to places where they could be half as relaxed as they were in that room.

A few minutes later, Will gets in and smiles over at Billy.

“How are you doing?” Will asks.

Billy shrugs.

“I was so worked up after my first time.”

“Everyone seemed so comfortable.”

Nodding, Will says, “It’s one of the few places many of them can be themselves. It’s not always so calm, but you came on a good night.”

Billy finishes his cigarette and rubs his face. Crossing his arms over the steering wheel, he leans forward and rests his head on his forearms.

“You know, you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to do, right?” Will asks.

Smiling a little, Billy looks over at Will. “Thanks, Will.”

“You’re welcome,” Will says.

Sighing, Billy sits up and starts the car. “Guess I better get your ass home before your mom starts to worry.”

“Guess you better.”

They laugh and drive home quietly.


	4. Chapter 4

A couple weeks later, Billy still hasn’t mustered up the courage to talk to Steve or Robin. He avoids them at all costs. He spends most of his time alone, although Will comes over sometimes, and Joyce invites him over for dinner a few times. He declines dinner every time except for the time Jonanthan had gone on a date with Nancy. He just feels so awkward around everyone, and he hates it. Even the dinner he does go to is awkward, but it’s not too bad.

Work is utter hell. Steve is running around having a great time. People love him. The moms love him. The kids love him. And everyone’s afraid of Billy. One day, as he’s sitting up on the tower and watching the line of moms talk to Steve, Billy realizes that he only got the job because he’d brought Steve along. Steve is the chick magnet.

Billy never dawdles after work, most of the time he doesn’t even shower, just grabs his bag and rushes to his car. Once home, he just flops on his bed and tries to not think about Steve and Robin watching shitty horror movies.

The day the next PFLAG meeting rolls around, Billy takes a shower before he leaves work. Over the sound of a bunch of people showering, Billy can hear some people talking about Steve. At first Billy tries to not pay attention, tries to pretend he doesn’t care, but they are too loud to ignore.

“Yeah, apparently Steve is going out on a date with Josh.”

“Josh? I didn’t know Josh liked guys.”

“What and you thought Steve did?”

“I mean, I’m not surprised with as much as he hangs out with that dyke.”

Billy sees red. He slams the water off and shoves a towel around his waist. He stomps over to where the two guys are talking. They don’t see Billy, don’t stop talking until Billy slams his fist against the locker.

The men jump and look over at him. Both of them pale.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Billy asks.

“What?” One of them asks.

“Why the fuck do you think it’s ok to use that word? That’s a fucking disgusting slur, and you’re such an asshole. Robin’s my friend, and she’s a great person. She doesn’t deserve your fucking bigotry.”

“What word are we supposed to use then?” The other asks.

“You’re not. You shouldn’t talk about her. Or Steve even. Or whoever he decides to date. It’s none of your goddamn business. They are not your friends. You don’t need to worry about them.” Billy is yelling and drawing a crowd. He knows he should stop, and out of the corner of his eye, he sees Steve at the edge of the crowd. He’s watching Billy with wide eyes. They make eye contact, and something in Billy’s chest burns.

“I’m not very tolerant when it comes to homophobic douchewads,” Billy says. He looks back at the shit heads.

“Oh, and what are you going to do about it?” The first one asks.

Billy squares his shoulders and sees Steve shake his head in the corner of his eye. Taking a deep breath, Billy shakes his head.

“Just fucking don’t.” He turns to leave, and the man huffs.

“You’ve turned into _such a fucking pussy_ , Hargrove. What happened to you? You were such a fucking badass, and now… Now you’re just a fucking fag.” Billy turns back around even though he knows it’s a mistake, knows he should just fucking leave. “Spend too much time with Harrington and Buckley? You a little _queer_ like them?”

Billy’s skin is crawling, his fists clenched so tightly. He wants to punch this guy’s face in, wants to slam his head in with the lockers, but he doesn’t move. He just stands there and tries to breathe, tries to not think about Neil. He’d spent so much time trying to hide, but apparently he hadn’t done a good job.

“Shut up, Ashton,” someone says.

“Why? This little _faggot’s_ not going to do anything.” He laughs, and Billy bristles.

“Get bent,” Steve growls.

Ashton says something to Steve, but Billy’s not paying attention any more. He goes to his locker and tugs on his clothes. He needs to get out of there; Will is waiting for him. He makes it to his car when Steve comes running up.

“Hey, are you ok?” Steve asks before Billy can get the door closed. He’s leaning down holding the door open with one hand, his other propped up on the hood.

“I have to go. I’m late.”

“Billy.”

“Steve, just- Go. Enjoy your date.”

“My- My-”

“I have to go, Steve.”

Steve stands up slowly, and Billy pulls the door closed and drives off. He plays his music loudly, trying to drown out the voices, trying to drown out Steve looking at him with such concern. When he pulls up to the Byers’s, Will is sitting on the front porch alone.

He jumps in and takes one look at Billy, his smile faltering.

“What happened?” Will asks as he turns the music down.

Billy doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me Steve had a date?”

Will’s cheeks burn brightly. “I didn’t want to upset you.”

Taking another deep breath, Billy turns the music back up and they drive away. Logically he knows Will hadn’t kept Steve’s date from him to hurt him, he was just trying to protect him. But Billy can’t help the anger he feels. He wants to punch something, someone. Not Will, never Will, but someone. Ashton would have made a good punching bag, but if they’d gotten into a physical fight, Billy might have gotten the police called on him or lost his job, and he didn’t have time for either.

But then he thinks about Steve, about how Steve couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. Billy couldn’t help but wonder what Steve had been thinking, what he’d been feeling. He wonders if Steve will still go on his date, whether he’ll enjoy himself. Billy’s not sure who Josh is, but he can’t help but hate him a little.

_It’s not Josh’s fault you pushed Steve away,_ Billy reminds himself, and he scowls harder.

He’s a little calmer when they get to the meeting place, but he still feels wound up.

“You go on up,” Billy says. “I need a minute.”

“Ok,” Will says softly. He gets out of the car, leaving Billy alone.

Eventually, Billy digs his cigarettes out and lights one. He sucks in a shaky breath and lets out the smoke. He fiddles with his lighter as he tries to get himself under control. He spends the next several minutes trying to convince himself that going in wouldn’t be the biggest mistake, but when he gets to the end of his cigarette, he’s no closer to getting out.

He’s thinking about lighting another cigarette when someone knocks on his back window. Billy jumps and twists around to find Benny smiling down at him.

“Hey, Billy, right?”

“Yeah.” Billy looks up at the man.

“You coming in?”

Huffing, Billy shakes his head. “I don’t know.” 

“Rough day?”

Billy nods.

“Want to talk about it?”

Billy shrugs.

“Can I sit with you?”

Blinking, Billy looks up at him and then sticks his cigarette between his lips before leaning over to open the front passenger door. Benny comes around the car and gets in. Silently Billy offers the pack and tries to not think about whether or not Steve had smoked at all in the last few weeks.

“No, thank you,” Benny says. Shrugging, Billy sets them down on the seat between them.

They fall silent.

Eventually, Billy takes a deep breath. “So, um. I work at a pool, in Hawkins, and I heard some of my coworkers talking about a couple of my friends. One of them, she’s- She’s fucking great. She’s a lesbian, and so funny, and she puts up with my shit, and Steve’s shit, and just. I really like her. And, like, I guess Steve is going on a date tonight with some guy, and my coworkers were talking about it, but like, they were being homophobic assholes, and I just- I just got so mad. And, I mean, there’s only a few people who know I like- who know- who know I’m gay, but they accused me of being queer and I just froze up. The old me would have just smashed them into the ground without hesitating, but so much has changed, so I just left. And then Steve tried to talk to me, but I haven’t talked to him since I kissed him, and he’s going on a date with another guy, so I don’t want to ruin that for him, because I already ruined our kiss.” He starts slow but by the end he’s talking so fast, and he knows he’s not really making sense, but he doesn’t care.

When Benny doesn’t immediately say anything, Bill chances a glance at him and finds him staring out at the street processing everything that has just been thrown at him.

“Ok. So. I’m going to say what I think I heard, and you can correct me if I’m wrong, ok?”

Billy nods.

“Ok. First of all, you’re not really out. You live in Hawkins, which is a small town full of homophobic douchewads. Your best friends are a lesbian and another not-straight-kid. You kissed him and then stopped talking to him. Today, you found out he’s going on a date with another guy, and some of your coworkers made homophobic remarks. Is that right?”

“Yeah,” Billy says.

“Are you upset about your friend or the homophobic comments?”

Billy opens his mouth to respond, but hesitates. He’s used to the comments, his dad spouted them out often enough. Yeah, it has been a while since he’d heard any of that shit directed at him or his friends but he’s not surprised by it.

But Steve is going out on a date with another guy. After Billy kissed him. That’s. That makes his skin crawl in a way he doesn’t think it’s ever crawled before.

“Why aren’t your friends here tonight?” Benny asks.

Billy huffs a little. “They don’t know I’m here. They don’t know I’m gay. Basically the only people who know are you, Will, and his mom. Other people suspect. Robin suspects, but…” He shakes his head. “Maybe my dad knows but I don’t count his abusive ass.”

Taking a deep breath, Benny nods. “I’m sorry about your dad.”

Billy huffs. “He was such a fucking prick. I- I don’t know how my mom or Susan stayed with him for so long.”

“I take it he’s not in the picture any more?”

Shaking his head, no, Billy says, “Last summer, there was-” He sees himself in the mall, the mindflayer’s arms grabbing, biting his flesh. “-an accident, and I was hospitalized for a long time. My dad didn’t want me to come home, but Susan, my step mom, got mad, kicked him out. I haven’t seen him since.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” Billy says truthfully. “He was a homophobic asshole who liked to beat the shit out of me. If he’d gone after Max-” Billy shakes his head. “She’s my half sister. She’s a little shit, but I love her.”

He doesn’t know why he’s doing this, why he’s telling Benny all of these things that he normally keeps locked up so close to himself, but he can’t seem to stop himself.

“A lot of gay people have had similar experiences,” Benny says.

Looking at him, Billy wants to make a joke, but the words die on his tongue.

“It fucking sucks,” Billy finally manages.

“It does.”

Taking a deep breath, Billy lets it out slowly. “Like, I know my dad’s not in the picture, and like, yeah, some of my coworkers are going to suck, but things for Will are ok. Due to weird circumstances I can’t really go into, I’m really close with his friends and family, and they all love him, so they won’t care if I’m gay, but I just can’t-” He shakes his head.

“You’re just waiting for your dad to come back and beat the shit out of you.”

“Yeah,” Billy says. “I know he’s not. He left the state, found a new family I’m sure.”

“You were taught from a young age that this part of you, the gay part of you, is something that will only bring hurt, so you just want to hide it so you can avoid that hurt.” He pauses. “I’m not going to lie to you kid, it does sometimes bring hurt, but there’s a lot of good that can come of it.” He looks up at the building. “We deserve to be happy, we just gotta make space for it.”

Licking his lips, Billy nods. “That’s why you do this.”

“That’s why I do this.”

Billy takes another deep breath. “Thanks, Benny.”

“Any time.”

After another few minutes, Billy brushes his hair back from his face. “I think I’m ready to go up now.”

“Ok,” Benny says. They get out of the car, and Benny comes around. They walk up to the little room from before, and people turn to look at them from the TV they are all surrounding.

Blushing a little, Billy leans over and says, “Sorry I made us late.”

Benny shakes his head gently. “I was right where I needed to be.”

Billy blushes harder, but is distracted by Will who’s come over to greet Benny and check on Billy. They get some food, and Billy sits next to Will on the floor as they watch some movie Billy’s never seen before.

When the movie is over, people stick around talking a little, but Will seems eager to leave, so they leave quickly after. Once in the car, Will looks at Billy.

“Are you ok? I was worried about you,” Will says.

“I’m not,” Billy says as he starts the car. “But I’ll be ok.”

“What happened?”

“Just some guys being dicks at work.”

“And you found out about Steve’s date.”

“Yeah, I found out about Steve’s date.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“It’s ok,” Billy says as they get on the freeway.

They talk about the movie for the rest of the ride. When Billy pulls up in front of Will’s house, Nancy and Jonathan are just coming in. Jonathan frowns at them, but Billy just waves a little.

“Fuck,” Billy whispers. “Do they know where you were?”

“Uh, yeah,” Will says. “I don’t think they’ll say anything though.”

Licking his lips, Billy nods. He hopes Will’s right. So far as he knows, Joyce had lied about not being able to take Will, so it would probably be ok. Although, out of all of them, Billy’s not sure what she would come up with as for why _he’s_ the one to take Will, but whatever.

“Oh, before I go in. I finished your bracelet.” Will pulls it out from his pocket and slips it in Billy’s outstretched hand.

“Thanks, Will,” Billy whispers. He looks down at the small bracelet, smiling. “This is really cool.” He puts it on. “I finished yours, but I didn’t know how to end it, and it’s at home.”

“That’s ok. I can show you the next time we hang out.”

Billy nods. “Thanks, kid. Have a good night. Say hi to your mom for me.”

“Will do.” Will leans over and hugs Billy. “See you later.”

Billy waits until Will gets in the house before taking off. He drives home, changes into his pajamas, and flops on his bed. For once he falls right to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day Billy wakes up early and makes coffee. When Max comes out with a book, she helps herself to some of the coffee. Billy gives her shit, and just kind of watches her. He can’t believe she’s already sixteen. He wonders what will happen when she graduates, whether or not Susan would still let him live with her. He pushes the thoughts aside.

“Hey, shitbird, what are you up to?” Billy asks. He’s said he was gay out loud once before, he could do it again with his kid sister, right?

Without looking up, Max lifts up her book. Billy doesn’t quite catch the title, but it doesn’t matter.

He sits at the kitchen table. “Do you have a few minutes?”

Blinking, Max looks up. “What’s up?” She closes the book and sets it on the kitchen table as she looks up at her brother.

“Um, I have something to tell you.”

Max takes a sip of her coffee, her face totally passive. He feels like she knows what he’s about to say, but she has no interest in making this any easier.

Clearing his throat, Billy pushes back some of his curls. “Max, I’m-” He takes a deep breath, and looks into her soft eyes. “Max. I’m gay.”

Max blinks.”You are?”

“Yeah.”

“But-” She stops.

“But what?”

“All the posters in your room? All the- All the girls when you were-” She pales a little. “It was all for dad.”

Nodding a little, Billy says, “Yeah.”

Max studies his face. “I’m glad he’s gone.”

Smiling, Billy says, “Yeah, me too.”

“Does anyone else know?”

“Just Will and Joyce.” He clears his throat. “And probably Steve.”

“Why probably?”

“We kissed.”

“You kissed. And now-” Max just studies him. “I’ll kill him.” She starts to get up, book and coffee forgotten. Billy grabs her arm before she can get far, but drops it when she flinches.

“Max, it’s not like that. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“What happened?”

“Sit down, and I’ll tell you.”

Eyeing him cautiously, Max sits down and studies him as he tells her.

“But- I don’t- If-” Max tries when he’s done.

“I was scared. I _am_ scared.”

Nodding, Max brushes her hair back. “For what it’s worth, Josh is an asshole and it will never work between him and Steve.”

“I’m not an asshole?” Billy asks.

Rolling her eyes and laughing a little, Max just shakes her head. “You are, but you’re a different type of asshole.” She gets up and hugs him. “Thanks for telling me, Billy.”

Billy hugs her back. “You’re welcome, shitbird.” They pull apart and Max sits back down.

“Let me know if you need anything,” she says as she picks her book back up, and curls in on herself. Billy smiles over at her and goes back to his coffee.

After he takes a shower, he pulls on his favorite jeans and shirt. He looks at himself in the mirror for a long minute, tugging his shirt around a little so he can see the scars. He’d been wearing tank tops at the pool since the kiss, even though he knows it’s ridiculous. People stare at him whether or not they can see his scars.

When he comes back to the kitchen, Max is gone. Billy finishes off the coffee and checks the time. It’s just before noon. The movie store has been open for a bit. If he’s going to do this, he should really do this.

He drives to the movie store, and sits in the car for a few minutes before getting out. As soon as he walks in, Robin spots him.

“Keith, I’m taking my break,” Robin yells.

“You just-”

“I have to change my tampon!” Robin grabs Billy’s sleeve and she giggles as a large stack of movies goes tumbling down. She drags Billy into the breakroom, and looks at him.

“What do you want, Hargrove?”

Touching the friendship bracelet, Billy licks his lips. His heart is hammering so loudly in his ears, but he knows he needs to just fucking do it.

Before he can chicken out, he says, “I’m gay.”

Robin blinks at him once. Twice. Then drags him back to the front of the store.

“Keith, I have an emergency. My uterus is-”

“Jesus! Will you just stop?!” Keith growls back. “Just get the fuck out of here, I don’t care.”

“Thanks, you’re a peach,” Robin calls back. She drags Billy to his car and they get in.

“Where-” Billy starts.

“My apartment.”

“But-”

“He’s at the pool. My apartment. Now.”

Huffing, Billy starts the car. They drive in silence. When they get to Robin and Steve’s Billy follows her up the stairs. As soon as the door is closed, Robin goes to the fridge and pulls out two beers. She hands one to Billy and they sit on the couch.

“Ok. What happened?” She asks.

And so Billy tells her everything starting with Jason and all the way up through the night before. When he finishes, she shakes her head a little.

“I knew you liked him, but I didn’t- I didn’t realize you were carrying all that around with you, although that’s stupid. I- I never met your dad, but the others talked about him enough.”

Billy sighs. “Yeah, he sucked.”

Brushing some hair out of her face, Robin just shakes her head. “Fuck, Billy.”

“Yeah.” His beer is gone so he starts to idly peel off the label. “I don’t know what to do.”

“About?”

“Steve.”

“Talk to him.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I have a feeling that it’s going to be ok.”

“How can you know that?” Billy asks.

“Uh, because I’ve been hanging out with Steve for the past three weeks.”

Billy doesn’t say anything, just keeps peeling the label on the beer bottle.

“What can I do?” Robin asks.

Billy shakes his head, his lips twitching a little. “Nothing.”

Taking his hand and lacing their fingers together, Robin leans her head on Billy’s shoulder. “I’ve really missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He sighs again. “Thanks for listening to me.”

“Of course. That’s what friends are for.”

Smiling, Billy rests his head on hers. He wants to tell her that he didn’t even know how much she means to him until the afternoon before, but he doesn’t want her to misinterpret what he’s saying, so he just squeezes her hand.

“Since I have the day off now, wanna hang out and watch something?” Robin asks.

Smiling a little, Billy says, “It just can’t be zombies. It wouldn’t be the same without Steve pushed up into my side being scared.”

“You know, he isn’t actually _that scared_ of zombies right?”

Billy laughs. “Just like he doesn’t smoke when he’s not around me?”

“Yup.”

Billy sighs. He wishes he’d seen it before. “I really fucked things up.”

“Nah, it’ll be ok.”

“Mmm.”

After a few minutes, Robin gets up and starts sorting through the stack of movies.

“There’s some cold pizza in the fridge. Mind grabbing it?”

Grunting, Billy gets up and goes to the fridge. They spend the next few hours on the couch, and it’s a little weird without Steve, but Billy feels more relaxed than he has since Will told him he was gay.

When the movie is over, Billy gets up and stretches. It’s getting late and Steve will be coming home soon. Billy isn’t quite ready to see him. He pulls Robin into a tight hug.

“Thank you,” Billy whispers.

“I love you, Billy.”

“I love you, too.” She squeezes him gently. “If you need anything, let me know.”

“Will do.” He pulls back and tugs at some of her hair. “See you around.”

“See you around.”

When he gets in his car, he plans on going home, but as he’s driving past Melvald’s, he sees Joyce standing at the counter reading a book. He pulls into a parking spot and goes in. Joyce smiles when she looks up and sees him.

“Hey, Billy. How are you?” He walks over to the counter, smiling.

“I’m good. I’m- I’m ready for people to know I’m gay.”

“Oh!” Joyce puts down her book and pushes herself over the counter and pulls him into a hug. “I’m so happy for you.”

Billy hugs her awkwardly until she pulls back.

“What can I do? How can I help?”

Clearing his throat, Billy runs his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want to have the conversation twenty seven million times.”

“Oh. So. Oh. You want me to throw you a party?” Joyce asks.

Blushing a little, Billy nods. “Yeah. I do.”

“Billy, I’m so proud of you.”

Something weird happens in Billy’s chest, and he grunts a little. He can’t remember the last time anyone, much less an adult, had told him that they were proud of him.

Clearing his throat, Billy opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

“Saturday?” Joyce asks. Billy nods. “Do you want to be involved in the planning? Who-” She pauses. “Have you talked to Steve yet?”

Licking his lips, Billy shakes his head. “I just- I-” He pauses. “He went out on a date last night. With another guy.”

A weird look passes over Joyce’s face. “Oh. Do you want me to invite him?”

“Yeah. I want you to invite him.” It would be weird to _not_ invite him, but he desperately hopes he doesn't bring Josh.

“Ok. What about Susan?"

Billy shrugs. "I think I should have that conversation with her before, but I'm- I don't know how she will react."

"Well, we have a spare bedroom if you need it," Joyce says gently.

Biting his lip, Billy stares at the counter and blushes, lost for words again.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"You would do that?" Billy asks. He hadn't considered having someone go with him. It isn't that he is scared of Susan, he just doesn't know how she will react.

"Of course I would," Joyce says. "I can't imagine what you're going through. Will was so nervous when he told me. It's a scary time."

Licking his lips, Billy nods. "I have no idea how it would work though. It's not like you two-" He falters a little at Joyce's smile.

"We became friends while you were in the hospital."

Feeling a little foolish, Billy nods.

"I can drop by tomorrow after she gets off work. I have some tupperware of hers I need to give back anyway.”

"Yeah, ok. She should be home around eight.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be over around eight-thirty if that’s ok?”

"Yeah, that sounds good,” Billy says. “Thank you. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, Billy. I’m just glad I could help.”

He smiles at her a little and waves. “See you tomorrow.”

Joyce waves back. “See you tomorrow.”

Totally lost in thought, Billy drives home quietly. When he gets in, Max and El are holed up in her room, so Billy goes to the kitchen to see if they have stuff to bake cookies. He's in a good mood and likes giving El treats.

The girls come sniffing when the first batch of cookies comes out of the oven.

"They're too hot, don't!" Billy says as El reaches out to take a cookie directly from the cookie tray. Pouting, El pulls her hand back.

"Do we have milk?" Max asks and goes to the fridge. Opening it, she groans, and then she perks up. "Hey, Billy?" She says sweetly.

"Keys are on my dresser."

"What?! Really?" Max shrieks.

Wincing, Billy laughs. "To the store and straight back," he chides. "I don't need Susan and Hop up my ass if something happens."

"I'll be careful! I promise!" She rushes out of the room.

"Thank you, Billy!" El says, and then they are gone.

Sighing, Billy prays that he hasn't made a huge mistake, but they are back by the time the second tray of cookies is out.

The girls pour themselves glasses of milk and eat cookies at the table. Billy checks the time and decides he may as well start dinner.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day Billy wants to call in sick, but forces himself to go to the pool. He’s late, but no one seems to notice because he’s not the first one in the chair. Several times Steve tries to catch his eye, but Billy just dips away. There’s no way he can talk to Steve.

When the day is finally over, Billy doesn’t even bother with changing, just leaves his stuff in his locker and gets in his car. When he gets home, he jumps in the shower and starts dinner. Max is nowhere to be found, but Billy just assumes she’s off with the boys or El. He can’t decide if he wants her to come home for dinner or not. He’d be eating long before Susan or Joyce will be there, although he makes sure to cook enough for all of them, Max included.

He eats his casserole while leaning against the counter. His heart and mind are racing, and he wishes he could call Steve. Then he realizes he could call Will or Robin. He puts his hand on the receiver but hesitates.

What would they do? Nothing. There was nothing they could do. Sighing, he puts the majority of the casserole away, does the dishes, and cleans the kitchen before retreating to his room.

Ten minutes later, Max comes in with the boys and El. They are talking and laughing loudly. He wants to tell them to shut up, is even about to get up when someone knocks loudly. Not waiting for an answer, Max comes in.

“Hey come watch movies with us,” she demands.

Shaking his head, Billy says, “I have a headache.”

“Yeah, cause you’re thinking too much. Now come on. We have popcorn and Abba Zabbas.”

Billy perks up a little. “How long do I have to stay out there to get an Abba Zabba?”

“Oh my God, just come on.” Max walks away leaving the door open. Sighing, Steve gets up and goes to the front room. The kids have all spread out, and they greet him happily.

“Come to join the party?” Dustin asks.

Billy just rolls his eyes and grabs an Abba Zabba from a bag. He sits on the couch and tries to watch whatever movie they have picked, but he ends up just staring at the clock. Susan gets off at eight which means she should be home around eight-fifteen. She usually takes a shower and then eats dinner. Joyce said she’d come by somewhere in there.

It’s barely six. Sighing, Billy eats another piece of candy.

A little after eight, the kids start packing up.

“Anyone need a ride?” Billy asks, but they all wave him off.

“We’ll be ok,” Will promises.

“Your mom-”

“Jonathan is already here to take us to my house,” Mike says as a car pulls up.

Before Billy can respond, they all leave just as noisily as they came. He’d meant to ask if Max was even allowed out, but she is already out the door and down the driveway. Shaking his head a little, Billy goes to the kitchen and gets some water.

He’s a wreck by the time Susan gets in. She seems tired, and Billy is ready to call the whole thing off, but then she smiles at him.

“I made some casserole,” Billy says. “It’s in the fridge.”

“Thanks.” She drops her bag on the couch and heads to her room.

As soon as she’s gone, Billy goes out front and starts smoking. Joyce pulls up ten minutes later.

“Hey, how are you, sweetie?” She asks Billy as she comes up the path. Billy shrugs and lets her pull him into a one armed hug. She’s carrying some tupperware and some papers.

They go into the house and head to the kitchen to find Susan in her robe, hair up in a towel. She’s helping herself to some dinner and absolutely beams when she sees her friend. Scowling a little, Billy wonders how he could have missed them being friends, but in that moment it doesn’t matter.

“It’s so good to see you! How have you been?” Susan asks. The two women talk, and Billy takes over getting Susan’s food ready to keep himself busy but also stay in the same room. He makes them all some coffee and even pulls out some of the cookies he made the day before. Billy sits with them and pretends to eat a cookie but really just picks it apart and scatters crumbs everywhere. He sips his coffee and waits.

When there is a lull, Joyce smiles at him brightly, and Billy nods. He clears his throat and Susan looks over at him.

“You ok, Billy?” Susan asks.

Licking his lips, Billy nods. “Yeah, just, uh, there’s- there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” He shifts in his seat. “Um.”

“It’s ok, Billy,” Susan says softly. “You can tell me whatever it is.” Her hand is on the table in between them. The table that had held so many unhappy family dinners, and a few good ones.

But he doesn’t want to think about that right now, doesn’t want to think about his dad. Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He clears his throat again.

“Susan, I’m gay.”

The silence in the kitchen is tangible, but Billy keeps his eyes closed until he feels timid fingers curling around his. He opens his eyes to find Susan smiling so widely at him.

“That’s ok, honey,” Susan says softly.

Billy lets out a very un-Billy like noise. Susan squeezes his hand.

“It’s ok,” she says again. “I know your dad-” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Billy. I should have done something sooner, when- when you were younger. I was just so scared.” Her voice is small and tight.

Billy’s lip trembles so he bites it to try and keep himself from crying. He doesn’t know what to say. Yeah, she definitely had not made growing up under Neil’s hand any easier, she’d never stood up for him, but she also kicked Neil out when it became clear Billy needed some place to go after he got out of the hospital and Neil clearly wanted nothing to do with him. Billy hadn’t seen the fight, but he’d heard about it. People liked to talk when they thought he was sleeping. It apparently had been ugly. Hopper had been involved. 

Opening his mouth to say something, Billy just lets out a weird little groan.

“It’s ok.” Susan squeezes his hand. “I don’t expect- I’m not-”

Billy squeezes her hand back, and she stops. He takes another deep breath. Part of him wants to say it’s ok, but they both know it’s not, and won’t ever be ok, but they know go forward things will be good.

Pulling her hand back, Susan pulls him into a tight hug, her fingers gripping into the back of his shirt tightly. He bites back a small sob, and she just squeezes him tighter. When they pull apart, Susan is crying too. Susan wipes her eyes with her robe but Billy just rubs his eyes with his hands.

Clearing her throat, Susan says, “You will always have a home with me.”

Joyce hands them both some tissues. Billy blows his nose noisily and takes a shaky breath. He smiles weakly at Joyce who is grinning at him so widely. She leans over and pulls him into a hug of her own.

"I'm so proud of you, baby," she whispers into his hair.

"Thank you, Joyce. Thank you so much."

"Do you want me to tell her about the party?"

Billy nods. They pull apart and he accepts another tissue.

"I'm throwing a little party for Billy tomorrow night at my place. We'd love it if you came," Joyce says.

Susan's smile never falters. "I would love to come." She pulls Billy in for one last hug. She kisses his forehead. He bites back another weird sound and squeezes her tightly. 

"Thank you," he whispers hoarsely.

***

The next morning Billy wakes up early and feels lighter than he has in weeks. Rubbing his face, he stumbles into the kitchen and starts the coffee. Licking his lips, Billy begins to think about the day ahead of him. He's feeling pretty good, although there is still one more conversation he knows he needs to have.

Max wanders in a few minutes later and she steals his coffee.

"The fuck, shitbird?"

Max shrugs. "Excited about tonight?"

Billy tries to hide his smile, but fails miserably.

"Oh, Mrs. Byers wants to know what kind of pizza you like. I told her just make sure there's lots of pineapple."

Smirking, Billy says, "Well at least Steve will be happy." They both giggle. Everyone knows Billy _hates_ pineapple on pizza but Steve Steve loves it. “You have a ride to town?”

“Not yet. You offering?”

“Sure,” Billy says. “Did you want me to drop you off on my way to the pool?”

“Sure.” She glances at the clock.

“You have time,” he assures her before getting another cup of coffee. He heads down the hall to get ready for work.

An hour later, Billy drops Max off at the Byers’ and heads to work. He’s just getting out of his car when Steve pulls in. He parks a few spots away and keeps his eyes down as he tries to slip past Billy.

“Hey, Steve?” Billy calls and Steve slows but doesn’t quite stop. “Can I just ask you something really quick?”

Sighing, Steve turns around and walks back to Billy. He’s got his nervous smile on, and Billy’s stomach churns. He knew Joyce had talked to him, knew that Steve knew, and he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty that he hadn’t talked to Steve.

“Can we talk? After work?” Billy asks, pushing all these thoughts aside.

Emotions flit across Steve’s face, but he smiles gently and nods. “Yeah, sure.”

Billy starts to say something else, but then Heather is there and she pulls Steve away. Taking a deep breath, Billy slowly follows them in.

The day goes by quickly. It’s a hot Saturday and they are busy. There isn’t much time for Billy to think, and he’s thankful for it. When the pool finally closes, Billy jumps in the shower and tugs on some clean shorts and a tank top. It’s too hot for jeans.

When he can’t find Steve right away, he’s a little nervous Steve forgot or just decided to ditch him, but of course he didn’t. Steve is standing by Billy’s car, and Billy’s heart does a little flip. The last time they’d stood talking by Billy’s car it had ended so badly.

“Wanna go for a ride?” Billy blurts out before Steve can say anything.

Without hesitation, Steve nods. “Yeah, sure.”

They get in Billy’s car and Billy drives them out to his favorite spot. When they get there, Billy turns the car off. They take off their seatbelts and sit in silence for a few minutes with the windows down just listening to the soft breeze through the trees. 

Billy fiddles with his bracelet and thinks about all those kids that were so brave. He thinks about Susan, Max, Joyce, Will, and Robin. He thinks about how _good_ it had felt kissing Steve.

He also thinks about all the times that his dad had tried to teach him kissing boys was wrong, but there isn’t one damn thing wrong about kissing Steve.

After a few minutes, Billy clears his throat. He stares out at the tree line, too scared to look at Steve. “I’m sorry.”

“For?” Steve asks. He’s not going to make this easy, and Billy supposes he deserves it.

“How I acted. I was just- I am scared.”

“Of?”

“My dad.”

“Kissing me makes you think of your dad?” Steve asks. He twists around and looks at Billy, so Billy glances over at him. He’s frowning but doesn’t seem _too_ angry.

“Unfortunately.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not making the connection.” He can hear the hurt underlining the confusion in Steve’s voice.

Biting his lip, Billy sighs. He forces himself to look up into Steve’s soft brown eyes. “When I was a kid, my dad used to try to beat the _fag_ out of me."

Covering his mouth with his hand, Steve's eyes go wide and he lets out a little gasp. He whispers, "What?"

Licking his lips, Billy says, "Any time I was too soft, or got too close to a boy, he would beat the shit out of me. Even when I got older." He shakes his head laughing a little even though there is nothing funny about it. “My dad would have fucking hated you."

"Billy, that's so fucked. I knew things were bad, but-" He trails off.

"It is fucked, and they were bad. I- I know he is out of the picture, but I just have had such a hard time shaking him, you know?"

"Yeah, no, I get it. That shit sticks with you."

Billy nods a little. "I really shouldn’t have threatened you like that, though. I shouldn't have pushed you away."

"I was the one pushing. You kept telling me to back off. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have."

“I mean, I could have talked to you about it. You- You made it clear you wanted to talk about it, and I just-”

“You weren’t ready,” Steve says. He bites his nails a little. 

Billy sighs. “Joyce talked to you?”

“Yeah.”

Licking his lips, Billy pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He offers the pack to Steve. Steve takes one, steals Billy’s lighter, and lights the cigarette. Exhaling smoke, Steve hands the cigarette back to Billy just like they had countless times before. Nodding, Billy takes the cigarette.

“I kind of wish I’d told you,” Billy says.

Steve shrugs.

“Susan and I talked last night.”

“Oh? How did that go?”

“It went really well,” Billy says. “Like, I kept telling myself I didn’t give a shit what she thought, but I also can’t afford to live on my own, so if she had…” He shakes his head. Steve takes back the cigarette. “I just feel like I can breathe so much easier. Joyce was there. She’s-”

“How did that happen?” Steve interrupts. “I mean, when did you two become so close?”

“After I kissed you, I freaked out. I drove around for a long time, and when I came home, you were there. There were just too many people in the house, so I went to Joyce. This was like just a few days after Will came out to me, so I knew it would be ok. She was the only person I thought would support me without judgement.”

Steve opens his mouth to say something but just shakes his head.

“I know. I know you and Robin wanted to see me.” Billy pauses. “She tried to talk to me. Robin. A few days after the party. It was so hard, everyone kept telling me that you missed me, but I just- I missed you too, but it was all too much.” Billy fiddles with the friendship bracelet again.

“Joyce offered to let me take Will to this like youth queer meeting out of town, and I took her up on the offer. I was curious how other people were dealing with all of this.” He looks at Steve and smiles a little. “Steve, it was so incredible. These kids, some of them were so young, but they were being so brave. 

“When- When I got in that argument in the locker room with those guys, I went to another meeting, but I couldn’t go in. I was just so fucking confused and angry.” Billy pauses.

“Because those guys were being fuckheads?” Steve asks.

Shaking his head, Billy sighs. “I mean, a bit, yes. I know we hadn’t been talking, that Robin and I hadn’t really been talking, but you guys are my friends. I’m not about to let people say shit like that about you.” He licks his lips. “But I was also angry because you were going on a date with another guy. What- How was that?”

Steve hums a little. “After you kissed me, I freaked out too. Like-” He hesitates. “This- We’re having a judgement-free-lay-it-all-out-on-the-table moment, right?” Billy nods. “A few months ago, I started to realize I liked you. Like _a lot_ , but I had no idea what to do. You didn’t seem into guys, and I wasn’t even sure _I_ was into guys, but then you kissed me, and even though it ended badly, it was so hot. I wanted to kiss you again, but you were- And I didn’t want to push. Well, I didn’t want to get pushed into another wall.”

They laugh and Billy blushes. He wants to apologize, but Steve is clearly not angry about it. Steve takes the cigarette back and sits there for a moment as he tries to collect his words.

“When I eventually told Robin what happened, we talked for _hours_ and she decided I needed to find out if I liked other guys or just you, so she set me up on a date. And like, the idea of it was terrifying and exhilarating. You’d made it clear that you had no real interest in dating me, so I decided, what the fuck, and agreed.” He bites his lip as he hands the cigarette back.

“Well. How was it?” Billy asks eventually.

Steve shrugs. “It was pretty garbage. I couldn’t get the image of you screaming at those guys in the locker room out of my head, and Josh didn’t really like that.”

“Sorry.”

Steve chuffs. “Don’t be. I don’t think it would have gone well even if that hadn’t happened right before anyway. Josh-” Steve shakes his head. “Josh only cared about one thing.”

Billy’s eyes narrow.

“So yeah, I went home as soon as possible, and crashed early.” Steve takes the cigarette back. “I was really surprised when Joyce called me yesterday and invited me to your party tonight.”

Biting his lip, Billy nods a little. “After that day at the pool, I just-” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry.” Steve puts the cigarette out in the ashtray and sighs. “I didn’t know what to say.”

“I didn’t know what to say either.” Steve twists around so his back is to the door, his legs twisted awkwardly between them.

“So, um,” Billy says after nearly a minute of silence. He forces himself to look at Steve and has trouble getting the words out. “Do you want to maybe go on a date with me this week?” He feels awkward, like he’s 12 and asking out his first girl, not over twenty and sitting with one of his best friends who had just admitted to liking Billy back.

“Maybe get something to eat?” Steve asks, smiling widely. Billy nods. “I would love to.”

Billy lets out a soft breath. “Ok.”

They fall silent again, and Billy just sits there and tries to focus on his breathing, focus on the moment. It is so hard to believe this is really happening.

"Hey, Billy?" Steve whispers after a while.

"Yeah?"

"Can I- Do you think we could-" He blushes. He can't quite finish his sentence.

"Kiss?"

Steve nods.

"Yeah, sure." Billy scoots across the seat. He slides his hand up Steve’s neck and they just smile at each other for a moment. Billy leans in and gently brushes his lips against Steve's. Steve’s lips are so soft. 

This kiss is nothing like their first kiss. It’s slow and unhurried and it makes Billy’s heart flutter in his chest. Sighing, they kiss gently, lazily, just tasting. Steve’s fingers rest on Billy’s wrist as Billy gently slides his tongue into Steve’s mouth, and while their kissing isn't super sexual, it is, without a doubt, one of _the hottest_ things he has ever experienced.

They kiss for a long time. They gently stroke each other’s arms and faces and eventually Billy laces their fingers together.

When they pull apart, Billy sighs and pushes his forehead into Steve’s. They just sit there for another long minute. Taking a deep breath, Billy sits up. Steve whines softly and pushes his head into Billy’s shoulder.

“We gotta get going, pretty boy,” Billy murmurs. “I can’t be late to my own party.” He gently scratches the back of Steve’s head. Steve hums.

“But the kissing was so nice.”

Chuckling softly, Billy smiles. “There will be lots of time for kissing later,” he promises.

Steve considers this for a moment before sitting up. They kiss a few more times before Billy scoots back to his seat. Steve follows him and buckles himself into the middle seat. Laughing softly, Billy starts the car and throws his arm around Steve’s shoulders.

When they get to the Byers’s, Robin, Max, Will, and Joyce are running around the house trying to get things ready. Will stops what he’s doing when he sees Billy and Steve come in together, holding hands tightly.

It takes him a minute to register what he’s seeing, but when he does, he lets out an excited shriek as he rushes over to them, pulling them together for a hug. The men laugh, and the women look over from the work.

“You’re early!” Joyce says. The others look over too, greeting the men.

Billy blushes. There’s a part of him that wants to pull away, that tells him people seeing him hold hands with another man is _just asking for it_ , but Steve just squeezes Billy’s hand, and Billy lets the emotions pass.

The party is a lot of fun. The Billy who had moved to Hawkins would have probably hated it, said it was stupid, but the Billy who saved his kid sister, her friends, the town, and maybe the world loves it. When he’d moved to Indiana, he’d been so full of hurt and rage, but sometime over the past couple of years had carved out a little place for himself and his family.

Family.

It is a word that he had always associated with pain, abuse, neglect, and loss, but as he sits in the Byers’s living room, his heart feels full.

He sits with his friends, Steve pushed right up against his side, holding his hand or his knee shoulder. Part of Billy keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, for his dad to come in and start screaming, for something bad to happen, but it doesn’t. They all eat too much cake and pizza. It is a _good_ night.

When the party's over, Billy offers to help clean up, but Joyce just hugs him and pushes him out the door.

“Go have fun with your friends. Have a good night. Be safe. I love you. Both of you,” Joyce says as she guides them towards the door.

Laughing, Billy pulls her close for a tight hug. “Thank you so much, for everything. I- I don’t know that I could have done any of this without you.”

“You’re welcome, Billy. I’ll see you later.”

“See you later.” Billy waves at the others and almost goes back to hug Susan, but Steve is already tugging him out the door, so he just leaves with a little wave.

He, Robin, and Steve stop and get some beer before heading to Steve and Robin’s apartment. They put together a blanket fort in the front room to watch some horror movie Billy hasn’t seen, but this time there is no room between Billy and Steve from the get go, and they keep stealing kisses until Robin gets annoyed and goes to bed.

“Think we should go to bed, too?” Steve asks as he gently places another kiss on Billy’s jaw.

“Mmm,” Billy hums. “That would require getting up.”

“Yeah, but I have a really comfortable bed.”

“I wouldn’t know. Every time I sleep over, we end up sleeping on the floor. What’s that about, Harrington?” Billy asks. They both laugh.

“C’mon, Billy boy. Let’s go to bed.” Steve gets up and holds a hand out for Billy. Sighing, Billy lets Steve help pull him up and they go to Steve’s room where they change into sleep clothes, and stretch out on Steve’s bed. Laying on their sides, Steve pulls Billy close, pulling Billy’s head to his chest. He wraps his legs around Billy’s waist as Billy wraps his arms around Steve’s ribs.

Billy sighs. “You were always a fucking octopus when we slept together before, but you’re going to be so much worse now, aren’t you?”

Humming a little, Steve gently scratches Billy’s back with one hand and gently strokes his hair with the other.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Steve mumbles. He’s tired and already drifting off.

Snorting, Billy says, “Sure you don’t, princess.” Sighing, he pulls Steve a little closer and listens to the sound of his heart beat until he falls asleep.


End file.
